


hit me where it hurts (i'm used to it)

by Gitaek



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Eating Disorders, Insecurity, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Swearing, Triggers, hate comments, slight self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-07-02 12:38:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15796698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gitaek/pseuds/Gitaek
Summary: it was such a simple comment, one he had seen often, but for some reason it hit him so much harder than it usually would.





	1. zero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was such a simple comment, one he had seen often, but for some reason it hit him so much harder than it usually would.

 

 

 

 

 

 

it had all started with a malicious comment he saw on v-live. some of the other members had noticed it too, but none of them had mentioned anything about it. maybe they hoped he hadn’t seen it.

donghyuck had seen it thought, and it affected him more than he'd like to admit. it was such a simple comment, one he had seen often, but for some reason, it hit him so much harder than it usually would.

" _haechan is so fat, he should be the one dieting, not kun_ "

and after seeing it, it was like all he could see was these kind of comments. whenever he read through comments on their social media, or when he read the comments on their v-lives.

" _haechan is getting fatter by each day. as if he's not already ugly enough_ "

" _what’s the point of having long legs if you're that fat and ugly??_ "

" _they should throw haechan out of nct, it doesn't seem like he's even trying_ "

" _haechan's high notes sound like someone dying lmao_ "

it was as these comments were hunting him. whenever he was trying to sleep there would be this voice in the back of his head, telling him how fat and ugly he is, how bad he is at dancing, that all the other members are so much better and more deserving than him.

at some point, he started to believe it himself. believe that he is too fat, that he needs to lose some weight. that he needs to get better at dancing, needs to practice more. he even started to believe that his voice, that he once was so confident in, was unpleasant to listen to.

he started eating less. he kept telling the members that "i'm not hungry hyungs, i ate earlier". he noticed the unsure glances they would throw each other but chose to ignore it, hoping they wouldn't dig into it.

they didn’t.

donghyuck started practicing more, spending a lot of his time trying to perfect the sharp choreography for all of nct's performance songs. he never got satisfied with himself though. it never got perfect. it was never quite good enough, nor remotely close. he had to try harder. **harder**. **_harder_**.

he started losing weight at a rapid level too, losing kilo after kilo. he smiled each time he noticed, feeling happiness for a few seconds. feeling like he finally had some control, like he finally was achieving something. the realization that he still had a lot to go, that he still was too fat, was what made him lose the smile.

it was only a matter of time before the members would start noticing. donghyuck knew that very well. he hoped they would praise him, tell him that he'd been good. tell him that he looked good, too. hoping that they would pay some attention to him, even though it might be a little selfish of him to think like that. all the members were very busy after all.

donghyuck also told himself to talk less. it was difficult in the beginning since he was so used to just voice his mind, but he got used to it with time. even though the members seemed to worry a little, seeing that he normally never would lose an opportunity to talk, he faked as if nothing was wrong. he would smile, show the members his big ‘sunny’ smile and would laugh whenever the other members laughed. if they asked, donghyuck simply replied with "i’m sorry hyung, i’ve just been tired lately" and they would nod understanding and pat his head lightly.

the young boy felt heavier with each day, though. the lack of sleep and food was finally starting to tear on him. he would look himself in the mirror, feeling uglier with every day that pass. the dark circles underneath his eyes grew, and donghyuck knew it wouldn't end well if he were to continue like this for much longer. but he just couldn't make himself stop. 


	2. one

donghyuck trekked into the kitchen, just having woken up. there were already a few members in the kitchen, some preparing food while the others (the ones with no cooking skills whatsoever) were sitting tiredly by the unusually large kitchen table. they all looked up when donghyuck entered, throwing a few half-assed "good morning" and "morning"'s his way.

he just grunted back, and let himself fall into the chair beside sicheng, feeling way too tired to make himself some food. not that he wanted any, anyway.

the boy next to him nudged donghyuck with his shoulder, making him meet eyes with the blonde.

"rest of the dreamies have already left for practice" sicheng sluggishly told him. donghyuck groaned loudly, closing his eyes for a few seconds, in slight frustration. "they only left a few minutes ago, if you're fast you can probably catch up to them" kun voiced from where he was standing, focused on cutting some vegetables.

donghyuck wordlessly stood up and inhaled, trying to will the tiredness away. "thanks for telling me, hyung" he mumbled as he walked out from the room. before he had completely stepped out of the door though, he got stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

"aren't you going to eat something?" taeyong asked him, worry clear in his voice.

"uh" donghyuck started, feeling anxiety raise in his body by the mention of food. "i'll just get something in the cafeteria" he quickly replied. but as always when donghyuck lied, guilt appeared and made the already big pit in his stomach grow.

before the leader could say another word, donghyuck disappeared out of the room, missing the worried look taeyong sent kun.

 

ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.

 

“once more.”

“again.”

“we can do this. again.”

“one more time.”

again.

again.

again.

 

ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.

 

as the practice continued, donghyuck felt his body get heavier and heavier along with his mind. he had a hard time concentrating too, and the other members were starting to notice, which again made him feel more stressed. when donghyuck managed to get yet another step wrong, mark sighed, making the younger inwardly wince.

"let's take a small break" the oldest member announced. mark then met eyes with donghyuck and signaled towards one of the doors leading to the hall. jaemin noticed and placed a calming hand on donghyuck's shoulder, knowing he hated getting scolded.

however, when he opened the door and walked out of the practice room, he wasn't met with an angry looking mark. the older actually looked more stressed than anything, and donghyuck immediately felt bad. mark was, after all, one of the busiest and hardworking members. the younger would never purposely put even more pressure on him.

"are you feeling okay? you seem kind of out of it lately" mark commented, lowering his voice and stepping slightly closer to the younger. the hall wasn't exactly crowded, but the sound of their voices could easily be heard if anyone were to be nearby.

donghyuck just nodded, he didn't want to verbally lie yet again. especially not to his best friend.

the older boy didn't look convinced though, and sighed for the nth time. "look, you're obviously not feeling well right now" mark said and bit his lip slightly. "why don't you get something to drink and eat, and when you come back we'll continue with the practice. taeyong told me you didn't get time to eat breakfast today", mark continued.

donghyuck looked guiltily at the ground, unsure how to respond. he couldn't exactly tell mark the truth. that the sight of food made him want to throw up, that he felt worse by each following day, that he had lied so much to the members lately that he's sure the guilt soon is going to eat him up. no way.

instead, the shorter of the two nodded curtly and started to walk down the long hallway, hoping mark would think he was going to the cafeteria. he felt mark's eyes burn into the back of his head, but ignored it in favor of trying to will his tears away.

when he was out of mark's sight, he switched the direction and walked towards the bathrooms instead. he also sped up, not wanting to meet anyone he knows.

he opened the bathroom door, letting out a relieved sound when he sees there's no one in the room. walking into one of the many stalls, he finally lets the tears fall from his eyes.

"ah, seriously" donghyuck mumbles, feeling annoyed with himself. lately, the smallest things would bring the boy to tears, and it was tiring. he wiped the tears with one of the arms of his sweatshirt as he sat down on the toilet lid, sniffling.

he rests his head in his hands, just letting himself rest for a few minutes. as he sits there, he hears some mumbling outside the door. donghyuck lightly bites his lip, hoping whoever they are wouldn't enter the bathroom. but of course, only a few seconds later, the sound of someone opening the door reaches his ears.

the footsteps can be heard in the entire room as the two people walk towards the sinks, looking at themselves in the big mirror. donghyuck sinks into himself, trying to avoid bringing any attention to himself. he silently dries the last tears on his face.

"i really need to lose some weight, especially around my thighs and face", one of the two males says while studying his own reflection in the mirror. the second male makes an understanding nose, "same here. i've gained 1 kg only this month" he mutters, sounding embarrassed by the fact.

donghyuck let his eyes fall to his own thighs, feeling the pit in his stomach grow. another tear fell from his eyes, donghyuck not being able to stop it from falling. he closed his eyes and tried to tune out the conversation the two trainees were having, but it just didn't work.

"i'm on a strict diet," the first boy told the other. "i only eat one small meal a day", he continued, proudness evident in his voice. the other wow'ed, sounding impressed. "i can't go an hour without eating something. i wish i had your strength" the boy whined.

donghyuck unconsciously pressed one of his nails into the skin of his palm.

they first male laughed at the comment, and started to walk towards the exit. "you eat a lot and barely gain weight though, i should be the jealous-". the boy's words got cut off when the door closed behind the two, leaving donghyuck alone in the bathroom again.

to assure himself that there actually wasn't anyone left in the bathroom, he sat quietly for a few more seconds. when he heard no more noises, he stood up and opened the locked door to the stall, stepping out of the small space. he was immediately met with the reflection of his own puffy face looking back and looked at the ground.

it took him some time, but after fixing his earlier red and puffy eyes, he managed to look decent again. or well, maybe not decent. but it was at least not obvious that he just had cried.

he checked the reflection one last time, making sure you no longer could see the redness in his eyes. he then took a long breath in and out, preparing himself for the possibility to meet someone he knows.

"okay, you can do this" donghyuck mumbled lowly to himself, but not really believing it. he did however finally walk out of the bathroom and started to walk towards the practice rooms, where the rest of the nct dream members should be.

when he reached the practice room he was in earlier, he stopped in front of the door for a few seconds. he looked through the small window on the side of the door, watching the rest of the members do the choreography for "we go up" perfectly. much better than when donghyuck were there, doing mistakes every second.

reaching out and opening the door, a thought that had appeared much lately, popped up.

time to fake it.

donghyuck walked into the large practice room, plastering a smile on his face. he joined in on the last part of the dance, doing it admittedly more clumsy than rest of the members, but still a big improvement from earlier.

"we go up!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i normally write in word or some other writing program bUt i was too lazy today and just wrote straight into ao3 and tHEN i managed to accidentally cross out the page (aka everything got deleted). i want to cry 
> 
> so i set on my playlist of all of exo's winter albums (*cough* the superior albums *cough*) and started to write everything over :')
> 
> this was set before we go up promotions btw. im fAr behind hehe 
> 
> (regular is such a bop im-)
> 
> ! also, sorry for my english. it's not my first language and i often struggle with it hehe. if you see any grammar/writing mistakes pls let me know :)
> 
> this takes like 5 minutes to read but it took me 7 hours to write this, istg. and goodnight! it's 5 am here rip


	3. two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so!!! sorry this took so incredibly long :( but here it is ig???? im not rlly happy with it but i realized i might never so why just not upload it heheh

a day off were rare for nct. most of the time their schedule was full-packed, meaning there’s always something to do. whether it’s appearances at music shows, preparing for comebacks, having dance or singing lessons, doing variety shows, and the list goes on and on, their schedule was constantly full.

so, days off were rare. and most of their members were enjoying it to the core.

majority of the members were still lazing in their beds, using one of the few opportunities they were given to rest properly. donghyuck had however woken up at 6 am sharp, and were already in the dance studio by 6:30. 

he had sent a short message to taeil, one of the members he knew would use the day to sleep in. he had written that he was going out for a bit, but hadn’t really been specific about where he was going. this would give donghyuck a few hours before anyone would come looking for him.

nct as a whole had made an unofficial rule that none of the members were to practice on their days off. no one had ever been caught breaking this rule. therefore, donghyuck had absolutely no idea what would happen if he were taken in the act, but he wasn’t planning on letting that happen anyway.

donghyuck would practice for a few hours, and get back to the dorm before anyone would start to question where he is. he even left his phone at the dorm, not wanting anyone to call or message him, and brought his old-ish ipod with him instead, so that he still could control the music.

all of this might seem a bit over the top, but donghyuck couldn’t afford to slack off, not now, when he was finally getting a grip on some of their choreography. if any of members knew he used this particular day to practice, they would stop him instantly. they would probably get worried as well, seeing that practicing on their days off used to be a strict no-no in donghyuck’s book.

if this were a few months ago, donghyuck would probably be the member enjoying their free-day the most. but a lot had changed the last few months. he now couldn’t stand lazing off, not even for some short minutes. the second he sat down, even for the smallest break, that voice in his head would immediately appear and tell him how lazy he’s being, that he doesn’t deserve to be in nct, that he’s not good enough. is never good enough.

the boy sighed as he walked past the many doors to the different practice rooms, looking for an available one. when he did find one, he entered the room and closed the door behind him, locking it. he then turned on the lights and stood still for a little while, letting his eyes glide over the small area, scanning it. most of the practice rooms in the sm basement were different, and he’d never been in this particular one before.

as he walked further into the room he fixed his ipod up from the pocket in his jacket, taking a glance at the time, 6:53 am. donghyuck then walked up to the sound system, connecting his ipod to it by bluetooth. he scrolled through the many playlists made by himself until he finally found the one he’s looking for, the one that’s very originally called “warmup”. 

donghyuck shrugged his jacket off, throwing it in the direction of one of the room’s corners, and started warming up. after half an hour or so, he walked up to the stereo again. it was time for the actual practice.

he switched to another playlist, this time a list full of only nct songs. as he looked through the different songs he searched for the one he’s had extra trouble with and pressed play.

when the familiar beat of the song started, donghyuck looked towards the mirror and inwardly cringed. donghyuck knew that if he wanted to perfect the choreography he had to look at himself in the mirror while dancing, but that might be the hardest part of practice.  

whenever he looked into the mirror and saw _that_ \- that being himself - he didn't feel good. he could only focus on his imperfections, his flaws. donghyuck looked in the mirror and saw the big bags under his eyes, his large tights, round cheeks, and damaged hair. he looked at his reflection and saw failure. he had used extreme amounts of energy and time on trying to perfect their choreography's - and failed. he tried losing weight - and failed.

sometimes it would even distract him on a level where he would stop dancing, too focused on his imperfections.

it was especially hard when he wasn't wearing makeup, like now, when he could see all his pimples and the noticeable red, dry skin that had appeared after it started to get colder outside.

_ugly_

donghyuck sighed and looked to the ground while he took a deep breath. when he breathed out he looked up, eyes meeting the tired eyes of his reflection.

as the familiar melody of one of their songs started, donghyuck’s body immediately responded, starting to dance the choreography to the song nct had performed over and over. 

when the song ended the next one started playing, and donghyuck automatically followed. this went on for a while, from song to another, until he started feeling tired. he fought the urge to stop though and finished two more songs. 

 at this point, his body was screaming at him to stop, but the voice in his head had another thought altogether.

_getting tired already? pathetic_

donghyuck bit his lip and momentarily stopped the dancing. he stood still for a few seconds to catch his breath and let his eyes glide over the room, searching for a water bottle. “did i really forget it?” donghyuck mumbled to himself, not really believing it. he fell down on his knees on the floor next to his backpack and looked through it. 

no water bottle.

a groan came from donghyuck, from annoyance and desperation both. he swallowed, trying to relieve the dryness in his throat. it didn’t work.

he sat in silence, debating with himself. in the end, the conclusion ended up being that it would be too risky to go to the cafeteria to drink, and even more risky going back to the dorms. he just had to do without water for a while.

raising to his feet again, donghyuck used a towel from his backpack to dry the sweat from his face. the music was still playing from earlier, so the boy let the towel fall to the ground and walked towards the mirrors. the second he started dancing he felt his body stiffen up again, the tiredness from earlier returning.

he missed a step as he focused too much on the tired feeling, and felt frustrated with himself again. 

_already forgotten the choreography?_

as he already felt frustrated, the return of the voice irked him even more. “shut up” donghyuck snapped out loud, his voice sounding loud in the small room. 

_or what? you’re going to cry?_

without another word the boy walked up to the stereo, turning the music louder, hoping it would tune out the sharp voice in his head.  

he walked back to his place in front of the mirrored wall, looking his reflection straight into the eyes, fighting the burning urge to look away. as he started dancing with to the music again he noticed a low whisper in the back of his mind. donghyuck smiled satisfied. maybe the voice wasn’t completely gone, but he could do with this.

the boy went back to practice, focusing on making his body do the right movements at the correct time. 

there was a particular part in one of their choreographies that donghyuck were having problems with. he repeated the dance moves over and over and over, hoping it would improve with a little time and practice. however, it seemed to have to opposite effect.

rather than improving, it just got more botched each time he tried to practice it. donghyuck groaned in annoyance, feeling irritation and stress starting to stir in his mind. 

_useless. you can't even do that easy move?_

the satisfied feeling from earlier disappeared, getting replaced with slight anger. he repeated his action from earlier, turning the music even louder. 

 

 ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.

 

an hour and a half later, donghyuck could be found seated on the hard floor of the practice room, his head spinning and black spots disturbing his vision. he’s shakingly keeping himself up, having steadied himself by planting his hands in front of his crossed legs. 

donghyuck took a shaky breath, letting himself tip backward. he fell back-down on the cold floor. as he closed his eyes he turned his head a little, sighting of the feeling of the cold floor on his sweaty, hot skin. if possible he would like to savor the feeling for as long as possible. 

“ _it doesn’t look like haechan is even trying anymore. he needs to practice more_.” 

ignoring his body’s protests, donghyuck sat up from his position on the floor, going back to sitting cross-legged. he sat still for a few more minutes, though it felt like seconds before he finally managed to will himself to stand up.

“ _haechan is gaining weight. probably from the lack of practice_.”

he stumbled over to the stereo, where his ipod still was plugged in, playing music in the background. he shuffled through a few songs until he finally could hear the right melody start playing from the speakers. he put the ipad down and turned the sound up, going back to trying to drown the voice in his head. donghyuck walks back to his earlier position on the floor, staring at himself in the foggy mirror.

he blinks as the song begins and once again lets his memory take over as he started practicing the choreography for the song, his earlier struggles forgotten.  

when the song finished and changed to the next, the boy automatically started dancing to the familiar beat of the song. he practiced and hummed with on his own parts. he focused his eyes on the reflection of his dancing body, though the mirror still was foggy from earlier. when there’s another song change, the boy started noticing the spinning in his head again. his lungs were practically burning, frantically trying to get air. donghyuck sags back down to the floor, his entire body in numb pain.  

_pathetic._

he laid on the floor for a little while, before donghyuck realized he probably needs to get back to the dorm soon. he would probably not be able to practice more now anyway. this was his fourth time practically collapsing from tiredness in only one day. on top of that had his stomach started to protest a while ago, making weird sounds, telling the boy it needed food.

“you’ll have to wait a bit more” donghyuck mumbled to himself. he had already had his daily meal earlier in the day before he went to practice. now he had to wait for tomorrow for his next meal. 

he couldn’t even satisfy his burning throat with some water, seeing that he had managed to forget the bottle back at the dorms.

sighing, he took a fast glance up at the digital clock on the wall and nearly swears out loud, shocked by the sight.

though it feels like he’d only been in the dance studio for two hours or so, he’d been practicing for soon 5.  

donghyuch gathered all his things in a hurry and walked into one of the less populated wardrobes. he knew from experience that most of the other groups and artists tended to go for the first one they see. the last one also happened to be the smallest one, which might also be a reason why most kept away from it. 

as he walked into the small room he scanned it quickly, not seeing any other clothes. he did, however, notice the water cooler on the other side of the room.

donghyuck put down his backpack on one of the benches and made way over the floor, reaching the water cooler in seconds. he took a cup and filled it with cold, delicious water and drank it all in second. he filled and drank two more cups before he felt satisfied, and sighed in delight.

he then remembered the time and threw the paper cup into the bin and walked back to his place on the bench. he undressed and took a quick shower, though he wished it could last longer. the soothing water felt incredible on his overheated skin. he eventually walked out of the shower and dried up, followed by dressed up in some more casual everyday-wear. when he finished he walked out of the wardrobe.

donghyuck threw the backpack onto his back and close to ran down the long hallway, towards one of the back-exits. the chances of someone seeing him if he walked out through the back rather than the main entrance was slimmer.

when he was outside of the building he made his way to the dorms. the sun shined, drying the boy's wet hair. 15 minutes later donghyuck stood outside the 127-dorm feeling anxious. if he were extremely lucky, the majority of the group would still be in their beds, and wouldn’t even have noticed the fact that donghyuck was absent. 

the boy told himself this as he entered the 8 numbered code for the door and startled of the lock opening. he peeked in but saw no one. therefore he continued into the small hall and shuffled out of his shoes. 

as he closed the door behind himself he could hear the low chatter of people talking, and he felt his heart speed up. he froze up, waiting to see if anyone had heard him open or close the door. after a minute or two in the same position, donghyuck came to the conclusion that no one had heard him. 

“act casual,” the boy told himself as he walked down the hall, trying to reach his room before anyone would see him. 

“haechan!” a voice suddenly called, making the young boy stop in his tracks. he slowly turned his body towards where the voice was coming from, plastering a smile on his face.

he met eyes with taeil.  

"hey!" 

"i just saw your text a minute ago", the older said. "where did you go?", taeil then asked, his eyes scanning the boy. 

"uh- i just took a walk", donghyuck said. he spontaneously pointed towards one of the windows in the living room room. "it’s such nice weather today, yeah?", he added, hoping it would make the story a bit more believable.  

taeil started at him with an unsure look, slowly nodding. after what felt like an hour, the older stopped the staring and came with "i guess". 

"are you feeling okay?", the older then asked. 

"yeah, why wouldn’t i be?" 

"you just seem a bit tired," taeil said. "and you’re a bit flushed." 

"ah, hyung, don’t worry. i'm fine!" donghyuck exclaimed, putting the most believable grin on his face. 

_you’re not fine._

"you sure?"  

"yes, hyung, i’m sure."

_tell that to the hundreds of bruises covering your body._

the older of the two suddenly smiled, putting his hands up in the air. "okay, okay. i believe you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um wow thank you SO much for 171 kudos it seriously means so much to me!! also thanks for all the nice comments on my last chapter with the rant (which i'll now delete since i finally uploaded ooof). you're all so sweet im <3 
> 
> btw did you all like wakey wakey? i loved it sm o.o
> 
> also ive lost my phone so if you find it pls lemme know (istg i loose my phone 5 times daily,,,,)  
> edit: i found it when i lifted my duvet and yes it smashed into the wall and fell to the ground :)

**Author's Note:**

> ik my writing sucks, but im trying to improve! pls feel free to leave a comment below with your thoughts so far (both good and bad).


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